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Compassionate Uncoupling

When an intimate relationship goes south, and one person (or both partners) declare, “I am done,” there is no way to tell whether it means the end of the committed relationship, or an opportunity to create healing transformation and deeper intimacy.

Regardless of the story that brought you to this moment, either path is possible. There are no rules. It depends on what you do with it.

We call our work with couples in this kind of crisis “Compassionate Uncoupling” because it implies the need for both partners to dismantle the dysfunctional and harmful bonding patterns inside their coupled system. It is a process of careful investigation. We pull apart what hasn’t been working, and examining it in detail. Usually, underneath all the dissatisfaction and resentment, we find love – love that has been confused by unprocessed resentments, betrayals, and harmful reactions.

Sometimes the investigation reveals the need to end the relationship and enter the difficult phase of separation and divorce. In this case, the wisdom and compassion used to examine the patterns can release pent-up emotional pain, allowing the divorce to be civil, and even kind-hearted.

At other times, our investigation reveals an opportunity for the couple to make changes in their thoughts, attitudes, and behavior, which provides a long overdue renewal of the relationship, including the rewiring of obsolete patterns that have caused dissatisfaction and harm. This path can lead to greater honesty, integrity, care and satisfaction. This takes place when the Compassionate Uncoupling process results in deepening the true love that had gotten smothered by automatic behaviors and reactive behavior.

Compassionate Uncoupling can lead either to an end, or to a new beginning.

We provide a comprehensive diagnosis of the couples’ historic bonding dynamics and individual psychological patterns, and present an evaluation of the options and opportunities for the couple.

Regardless of the outcome, the process of clarifying and healing unprocessed resentments and anger benefits both partners, as well as their children and family. With greater shared clarity, it is possible to determine the optimal form of the relationship going forward.

Upsets and disagreements happen to everyone. When a couple employs secure functioning practices, these normal bumps in the road can be integrated into a deeper commitment to move forward together in a productive way. When upsets get repeated, or go unchanged, there comes a moment when a person says, “I can’t take this anymore.” And there are some behaviors that are simply unacceptable, such as physical violence and emotional abuse.

Betrayals and affairs, which are often the precipitating event that leads to crisis, can be healed, depending on the situation, the individuals’ needs, and their willingness and ability to repair. Some cannot be healed. We have facilitated repairs which no one believed possible.

Consistent feelings of being misunderstood, devalued, or rejected by your partner makes you question the viability of the relationship. Unfulfilled needs and frustrations grow if the partners do not have skillful means or professional support to help them navigate the unique challenges of negative bonding dynamics.

Using the neuroscience of relationship, we have found that even repeated transgressions can be healed, depending on the desire and wisdom the couple has to “care, own and repair” their bond.

f you are on the brink of letting go, or it’s clear that it’s time to separate, it’s important to realize that there are many choices as to HOW to do it. The attitude and process you choose will determine whether the outcome is a bitter, contentious battle, or a compassionate and loving separation that brings greater understanding and personal growth.

We offer clear, step-by-step methodologies to navigate these complex waters.

Using proprietary assessments, we custom-design a unique program to optimize a compassionate solution for you, as a completely unique couple. Our counseling and training includes:

  • How to gently heal emotional estrangement while remaining safe
  • Moving toward cooperation and collaboration instead of unilateral decisions
  • Co-creating win-win solutions and new agreements that work for both parties
  • How to minimize co-triggers during the negotiation process
  • Preserving the spirit of kindness and generosity
  • Committing to compassionate actions that support each other’s development and growth
  • Clarifying the impact of the decisions on children to optimize family harmony
  • Exploring co-parenting options in preparation for separation or legal custody negotiations
  • How to transform threats and insecurities into mutual security
  • Transforming discontent and resentments into mutual understanding
  • Using the separation process to heal past wounds and conflicts, minimize the need for long term conflict, and ease the tensions of potential (or actual) litigation.

Our goal is to inspire you both to commit to a joint effort to heal and repair the grievances and transgressions that have driven you into estrangement and separation.

We offer our coaching and counseling services worldwide through phone, Skype, in-person sessions, and customized retreats. Many clients have reported that they saved tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars in divorce costs by mediating their issues in a safe and compassionate way, prior to separating assets and working out custody issues.

We have both cultivated our wisdom and skill by navigating our own divorces. Both of us are children of divorced parents, and we have counseled hundreds of clients through these decisions and challenges.

We look forward to speaking with you about your challenges, and how we may be of service to reduce stress and pain. Contact Carista by email to set up an appointment: